New Year of a Misfit

To battle the anxiety, one has to first let it seep in. Photo Courtesy: Whi

It could have been like ones from the early 20s and the late teens, had i only made an effort to call my friends. This time i did not. Neither did i call, nor did they which only led to me wonder if this is how it is always supposed to be. Also, when i use the term friends, i do not mean the core, i mean the peripheries of friend circles – ones that we also many a times disguise as the term friends but in fact mean acquaintances. I am not a loner, not that i need validation from someone else to live my life, and if i was a loner too, who the hell cares! But it just felt apt to state it, well, as much of a self righteousness i want to explode in and with, stating that i am not a loner is in fact in some way a form of justification, a seek for validation of some sort.

it will be horribly wrong of me to complain and wish that i had studied in Nepal throughout for the sake of some friendship (that i might/might not have had, in hindsight). Most definitely, one of the reason for me to have such abundance number of peripheral friends and none core in Nepal has to do with my shifting education – never studied more than 3 years in any school and then for my high school left for India and stayed there till my first Masters degree. If i am to take up a job in India and travel there, I would be a cocky, self righteous person, bathed in too much of confidence for i’d have friends in almost every state in India and these aren’t acquaintances – they are friends, the core ones, the ones with whom you can say No to with all your rightfulness and they’d understand! Another reason for the existence of acquaintance circle is the huge student migration from Nepal to western countries and oceania for higher education leading to permanent residency. Well, Indians, if you thought you were the only one, you thought so wrong! Parts of Australia is mini Nepal, and so is parts of Florida and Hamburg and i could go on!

So, new year, yes! misfit, yes! I am not an extrovert, although people find it hard to believe it, especially work related folks, for I consult as a researcher that involves a rigorous fieldwork and constant interaction with strangers and I am a visiting lecturer at one of the university in Nepal which inherently requires me to interact with a bunch of students on a nearly daily basis. I am not exceptionally introvert either, but i am more in sync with the traits of being an introvert than an extrovert, have always been this way, especially when it comes to emotions and feelings and all other underlined ironies engulfing the very essence of feelings and sensitivities. I am that one person who, when has that one exceptionally close bridge-friend to a larger circle, will still choose not to hang out and then repent later on hearing all the stories. I have all the heart and the mind to hang out and enjoy a gathering but the first thought to going to such an event is always a NO! I am not sure where this fits in! Am i an introvert? Am i lazy? Am i just obliging myself with a fake ‘i-don’t-give-a-damn’ attitude only to repent it later? I do not know, and have, many a times tried to understand but could not, have not, hence this rant! Let along, physical meetings, sometimes i do not open my social medias because i know i will have messages that will need replying to and once i see them I creates a self obligatory nagging consciousness inside of me to reply to them. So, basically, i run away from social networks of any kind – virtual, physical, I run away from all forms of social gatherings. Is this being an introvert or just not being equipped with a sense of belonging?

I wasn’t so in Germany, nor in India (from what i can recall). There was not a single weekend when i wasn’t around friend/s. There were in fact days in Germany when i’d have to draw my curtains and switch off the lights, put on headphones to keep people out of my room. But here, in Nepal, maybe it is the lack of severity of platonic relation of any form along with lack of emotional sensitivity around my so called friends that i refrain from hanging out. It normally feels like a judgement, and if it is not a judgement of some sort, it is almost always an effort inducing task to speak of mundane things and drown in Gorkha Beer or Khukuri Rum (depending on the weather, really). The mundane lifestyle of my ‘friends’ repels me. They are satisfied with where they are, and in that, i am happy that they are content. But i have always been an overachiever, an over striver, thus, the mundane conversations, day after day eludes me. With this very thought, i chose to stay in, wear my pyjamas, watch a movie, snuggle with my dogs and go to bed by midnight of which i achieved three things – stayed in, wore a pyjamas, and went to bed but by 2200.

Like the past years, this year too shall pass in defining my boundaries of belonging – with a person, people, things, and across all forms of time and space. And on second thought, it isn’t fairly a bad way to spend the coming year. How did your new year go?

After all, it is them very roots, that grounds us and not always them wings which is equipped with the capacity of leading us astray, that is important.

– purano maan

The quotations are copyright. Please use reference while using them.

Happy New Year folks! x

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